Tripping Arkham Asylum
by SchattenShadow
Summary: Batman and Robin must deal with a car-full of Gothams most dangerous villains. (The Joker, Riddler, Two-Face, and Scarecrow.) Why? Because the state has forced Arkham to send them to the aquarium due to some idiots misunderstanding. Really funny.
1. Default Chapter

I'm a big believer in writing the characters in character. There's nothing more frustrating in reading a fiction where everyone acts completely different from what they would normally do. By the way, I just voted.

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"How many bats does it take to fill a shower!?" The Jokers voice rang in the lounging room of Arkham Asylum. It was plain to everyone there that the Joker was heckling a new inmate.

"I-I don't know…" The poor man mumbled terrified. He had no clue who this clown was, him not being native to Gotham City. He also was unnerved at the amount of time the clown was spending to talk to him.

"Not this again." The Riddler scoffed in Harvey Two-Face's direction. Nygma was the only one who remembered all of the Jokers jokes in detail.

"Of course you don't know! No one KNOWS- because-" here the Joker took a deep breath and put his arm around the frightened inmate, "JINGLE BELLS, BATMAN SMELLS-"

"Sing something different for gods sake!" Screamed Ivy, who was visibly on her last ion of patience.

It was December 21, and the Joker had been coming up new ways to introduce the opening of the distorted "Jingle Bells" song for 45 straight days. The repetition was so teeth-grindingly annoying that even Jonathan Crane thought to say something about it once or twice.

"Lighten up itchy!" The Joker shouted with a mischievous grin. "Just spreading a bit o' the holiday cheer." He then broke out in maniacal laughter, making the new inmate as uncomfortable as ever.

"We've all decided we want you to spread it by singing a different song." Grumbled Two-Face flipping his coin.

"Oh- sure- Pick on the little guy!" The Joker exaggerated. "Go on- next you'll be telling me I'll never be a star." He put his hand up dramatically to his forehead.

Before anyone could respond the door opened and a man with a clipboard walked in. A shout of protest reverberated in the room as the TV was shut off.

"Wellll hello Doc!" The Joker greeted, jerking his arm off of the new inmate.

"Hello." Arkham responded tersely, obviously irritated at the Joker's gesture. "Listen up everyone, someone from the state is going to review this asylum today, and I need you all, and I mean _all_ of you to be on your best behavior. Even you Joker."

"Why Doc, I'm shocked! You know I've been a good boy." The Joker said with his usual maniacal grin.

"No you haven't Joker. On the contrary, you've been worse."

"Oh, well, it's all in the eye of the beholder!" The Joker did not suppress a fresh wave of laughter in front of the administrator.

"As I was saying," Arkham spoke with a warning in his voice, trying to discourage the outburst, " Everything should be in order, and I don't want to have to explain to the state any _difficulties_. Understood?"

There was soft mumble of half-hearted reply scattered around the room, which ultimately meant nothing, as everyone could care less of the reputation of Arkham Asylum.

"Good. Enjoy the rest of your free time."

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Bruce Wayne struggled to take off his mask after his usual round. It was getting more and more difficult to transform himself into society. At points of the day, he felt himself wrestling, trying to tie up the Batman in his head.

When it became dark outside, he could feel the chains snap as he slipped into his suit. However, he had to remain two people.

"_Harvey and I aren't that different._" Bruce had thought while eating a quiet dinner alone that afternoon. The thought scared him. He was different. He felt a choking pressure in his chest that had cut off his appetite.

Alfred had been noticing the slight personality change. As much as Bruce loathed admitting it, he had seen it too.

"Perhaps you should sit out a couple of nights master Bruce. If you don't mind my saying so, you're starting slouch in your step." Alfred had said to him as he made his way to the batcave.

"I understand your concern, but I made a promise." Bruce said without looking back as he passed his friend in the hallway.

"Very well master Bruce." replied the defeated butler.

The nights had been relatively quiet since he had captured Gotham's finest criminally insane. However, Batman wanted to check up on new headlines before he officially called it a night.

Making is way to his computer; he tiredly slumped into the black, cushioned chair. Tapping a couple of buttons he went through tomorrow's newspaper headlines. Nothing too alarming, and nothing completely local he decided after reading an article on how deep-fried Christmas turkeys were causing house fires.

"What's this?" He wondered out loud coming upon an official Arkham schedule.

He had a weekly schedule mailed to him, just in case.

" '_Dec. 25, brief visiting hours and gift giving. Please keep gifts safe and appropriate_.' Good luck." Batman half-laughed skeptically. Just before clicking the schedule off, something caught his eye.

"_ 'Dec. 23, inmates out-of city event'_ " Batman read. " 'Inmates out-of-city event'?" He was starting to turn the idea in his head, but the mental images just got worse. "Something's not right here."

Batman jumped up and put his cowl back on with newfound energy.

"Leaving again Master Bruce?" Alfred questioned, coming down the stairs just in time to see Batman jump into his car.

"I'm afraid so." Batman said. Within an instant, the batmoble roared to life and was gone.

"I'll just leave your dinner in the fridge then." Alfred sighed watching the dust settle.

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Batman wasn't at all surprised to see the bat-signal in the sky. Commissioner Gordon was pacing on the roof, obviously something heavy on his mind.

"Oh thank god, you're here." Gordon said as Batman stalked closer towards him. " I wasn't sure you'd be up this-"

"What's this about Arkham?" interrupted Batman.

"Arkham called us in a panic, the whole station is buzzing about it. He was raving about how the state is forcing him to do some ridiculous trip."

"Why?" Batman questioned.

"You know, it's almost Christmas. Apparently some softhearted nun inspected Arkham and started asking what the inmates do in their free time. Figured it wasn't humane to lock them up from the outside world for the rest of their murderous lives." Gordon scoffed.

"But they're criminally insane." Batman said crossing his arms.

"Yes, we know that. And…you don't have anything to do one the 23rd, do you?" Gordon asked. " Arkham specifically asked for you to …uh… monitor."

"He wants me to babysit."

"Well it's going to be a good deal more tense then babysitting…"

"Where am I taking them?"

"An aquarium, it's out of the city and it's the closest one to a police station. Does that mean you'll do it?" Gordon asked.

"Looks like I'm going to have to." Batman mumbled. "What time should we show up?"

"We?"

"I'm taking Robin with me."

"Oh. Well, I told him you'd be there at 7:00am. It takes three hours to get there, and the aquarium opens at 9:00am." Gordon said lighting a cigarette. "You know, I'd hate to be the one stuck in a car with the Joker for three-" Gordon looked up, suddenly realizing that he was talking to himself.

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"What!? Are you serious?" Tim asked.

"Do I look like I'm joking?" Bruce replied, rubbing his temples. "Apparently they left the best for us. The Joker, Harvey Dent, Edward Nygma, and Jonathan Crane. They tried to stick us with Maxie Zeus, but he enjoyed the electroshock safety precaution; him coming was not an option. "

"Good for us, I think I'd go mad myself listening to his 'I am a god' talk." Tim mumbled.

"Just remember to get up and meet me here at 6:00am."

"Meet you here at 6:00am? That's so early! I need my sleep too. Alright, alright." Tim said wincing under Bruces serious glare.

"Are they all in there?" Batman asked the orderlies looking at a very gloomy van.

"Everyone except the Joker. We're having…difficulties…"

"Woooo- I call SHOT GUN!" The Joker's voice rang. He then made noises to imitate shots.

Batman swiftly turned to come face-to-face with his nemesis, who was visibly struggling in his straight jacket.

"Well hellllo big boy! How's it hangin'!? Come to play field trip with us?" The Joker's obnoxious laughing made Batman unconsciously ball his fists.

"Not that I doubt your abilities Batman, but in case of any problems we have these." An orderly handed a panel with four buttons on it to Robin. " Each button is marked with a name on the control. If you press a button, a painful shock will administer to the matching name."

"Have you tested this?" Robin asked.

"Oh yes, and let me be the first to tell ya', it hurts like the dickens!" The Joker said eyeing the panel evilly. Orderlies dragged him into the van, this time with his cooperation.

"Is it safe?" Batman asked the orderly.

"Well, it's effective." The orderly answered looking a little uncomfortable. "The shockers are placed on the inside of the inmate's elbows and the underside of their knee's. Um, I think that's all. Have a good trip."

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"Why can't I have my hands free? What was the purpose of giving me all these crossword books if I can't even move my hands? What did they think I was going to do with them? Stare at the cover?" The Riddler complained as Batman climbed into the drivers seat.

"Where are we going?" Asked Two-Face.

Robin had sat himself next to Crane in the back. The Riddler and Two-Face were in the middle, and The Joker was up front where Batman could see him. All of them were strapped tightly to their seats, their hands included.

"Quiet all of you. We're going to the aquarium, and this is going to be a silent car ride without any problems." Batman barked.

"Good luck with that." The Scarecrow moaned catching sight of The Jokers wild green hair up front.

"Cheer up Batsy, I know lots of fun car songs." Joker said as Batman pulled out of the icy parking lot. "How about one to start off the season!?"

"My god- not again- here we go again-" The Riddler said through gritted teeth. He was generally pissed off that his crossword books had fallen on the floor and were now sliding behind his seat.

"JINGLE BELLS! BATMAN SMELLS! ROBIN LAID AN-"

"Shut him up Robin!" Batman growled through the horrible singing.

Robin looked at the panel that was handed to him and pressed the button labeled 'Joker'.

"BATMO- buzz OWW! FU-"

"You deserved it." Robin said cutting Joker off.

"WATCH OUT- TRUCK!!!!!" Joker screamed at Batman.

Batman tensed up, and quickly stood a side-glance around, every nerve alert. He thought to swerve out of danger, but from what he could see, nothing was heading his way. Still he had fishtailed a bit in his lane, making the drivers around him speed past him nervously. Batman felt a tad bit stupid letting the Joker get to him with such an obvious trick.

"April FOOL!" Joker screamed before erupting in a fit of abhorrent laughter as the van was pulling up to stop light.

"We're going to die." Crane groaned from the back seat, his fingers gripping the armrests painfully hard.

Batman, thoroughly annoyed, grabbed Joker's neck, choking him.

"Listen Joker," Batman said squeezing. " I don't know who told you this was a game, or why your sick mind justifies your sadistic humor-"

"-Alright." Joker managed to choke out, his grin never fading.

"Batman." Riddler said, trying to get his attention.

"What?" Batman said, not bothering to hide his irritation as he withdrew his hand from the Jokers throat.

"What has eyes but can't see?"

"Potatoes." Batman grunted.

"What has ears but can't hear?"

"Corn."

"What has legs but can't walk?"

"A table; or you, if I have to come back there." Batman asked visibly annoyed.

"Well I'm bored!" The Riddler snapped, shaking his hands in his restraints showily.

"Now I'm hungry." Crane complained.

"Let's grab a burger!" The Joker said enthusiastically.

"I want tacos, but we can flip on it." Harvey chimed in.

"We're not going to stop for burgers or tacos 7:30 in the morning." Said Batman.

"What about 7:31 in the morning?" heckled Joker. "Come on darling, you couldn't have gotten those meaty muscles eating cereal."

"Well then can't we stop for pancakes?" Crane asked hopefully.

"We're not stopping until we get to the aquarium." Batman said ignoring a strange look he was getting from a person in another car.

"Such a cruel world! They either starve us to death or force us to eat gruel. Gotham's hero and his boy blunder won't even go the extra mile-" Joker accused.

"-Shut up Joker." Batman interrupted, his patience wearing thin.

The whole van was eerily quiet as Batman was nearing a Taco Bell.

"I haven't had a taco since I was thrown in Arkham." Harvey reminded everyone quietly.

Batman, as much as he hated Harvey for it, couldn't resist a pang of guilt. The food at Arkham had to be terrible. He looked in the rear-view mirror and saw everyone was staring at the back of his head, completely silent, and somewhat tense, wondering what he was going to say or do. Batman sighed heavily.

"_This is ridiculous._" Batman thought as he pulled in the drive through. He looked in the rear-view mirror again and saw everyone's faces light up with excitement, save Robin who was rubbing his temples.

"What do you all want?" Batman asked tersely. "Hurry up and make up your mind."

"I can't reach my coin…" Harvey said trying to shift his body towards his body.

"I'll have seven taco's with everything on it, four ice-cream cones, the Green Party, a rough draft of the Koran, a pony, a rocket launcher with a dancing hula girl on top, 10 U.S senators, a bucket of sand, three wonders of the world, Confucius and a pear tree." Joker said. "Don't forget the toy Batsy, or I'll be really upset."

"I'll just order you the most disgusting thing on the menu." Batman growled at Joker.

"I hate salad...." said Joker scowled.

"That'll be twenty five dollars and ninety five cents…uh, sir." A girl at the window spoke. She gave Batman a distrusting look, and shifted uneasily under The Joker's alarmingly demented smile. The Joker rang out in ear-splitting laughter, causing her to jump and drop some change.

"Sorry about that." Batman said to the girl. He turned, glaring at Joker.

"No, it's okay, just pull up to the next window." The girl said, staring at the Batman. "Are you guys going to a convention or something? Your costumes are really creepy."

"Something like that." Said Batman pulling away from the window.

"Scoring it with the broads- eh Bats? I do love a man in tights. Say, how do the ladies react? Is the boy part of your hook-line?"

"Filthy degenerate." Batman sneered.

"Flattery will get you no where." Joker said wistfully. (Sorry, I just love that line.)

Robin went up the front to get all the food, trying not to trip over everyone's feet or step on anyone.

"Excuse me." The Riddler said in a monotone voice. " But how are we supposed to eat with our hands-"

"Will you shut up with the hands?" Two-Face said irritated.

"It's a perfectly logical question, one no one else thought to ask!" The Riddler snarled.

"Robin will watch you eat one at a time." Batman said before chaos broke out again.

"Oh no, I couldn't possibly eat in front of you darling!" Joker said rather melodramatically to rile up annoyance.

"But who goes first?" Crane asked. "I think I should go first, because I've been the most behaved one on this trip."

"Agreed." Robin replied sorting through the food.

"Since when does the Scarecrow become a brown-noser?" snapped Two-Face. "I say we flip for it."

"You always say that. You and your stupid coin." Crane spat maliciously.

"Robin can decide because Robin will be watching you." Said Batman. This trip was a total disaster, he was already regretting giving into their plea for fast food.

"Alright…Crane first, then Two-Face, then Nygma, then Joker."

"My food is going to be stone cold by the time I get to eat!" The Riddler protested.

"If you don't stop complaining, you won't eat anything at all." Batman said. He was tired of all the petty quarrels.

"Promoting anorexia? Tsk, tsk, contributing to America's ruined self image." Joker said feigning offense.

"Just hurry this up Robin." Batman snarled.

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The next hour passed a lot faster than the previous one Batman decided. Crane had enjoyed his meal so much he was completely harmless and oblivious to all around him. Harvey and Nygma, despite their previous elegant reputations, didn't hide their passion for the change in their meal plan. In fact, they were so good that Batman decided the hand restraints weren't necessary. The only one who was any trouble was Joker, and that was expected.

"What is this? Brains?" Joker said pointing to the sour cream on his taco.

"It's sour cream. Now eat it." Said Batman.

"Sour cream? I'd rather eat brains." Joker said. He was being difficult on purpose. Before Batman could stop him, he was already wiping the cream off on the dashboard.

"Don't. Do. That." Batman said grabbing The Jokers hand hard.

"Don't be such a wet blanket Batsy."

"Clean it up. Now."

"If I _must._" The Joker sighed. Joker grabbed a part of Batman's cape and wiped off the sour cream.

Batman noticeably swerved to the left, causing the Joker to hit his head on the window.

"OW! What's wrong with you?"

"Funny, I was thinking of asking you the same thing, although I know they don't have a cure." Batman growled.

"Can't I eat one meal in peace?" Joker sighed. "Say, Batsy, if I kill you, would another Bat-pest take your place? Because it seems that you're never short of Bat-boy's."

A muscle twitched in the corner of Batman's mouth unpleasantly at the reminder of Jason Todd.

" I don't suppose you have a school training them-"

" -Robin if you please." Batman said.

"Got it." Tim said pushing the button

"_ I know this one. It's easy._" The Riddler thought just about to write in an answer in his crossword puzzle. For a shocking instant, The Riddler lost all control of his motor skills. A jolt made him convulse and drop his pen. "OW! buzz Stop!"

"What the heck?" Robin said pushing the button a couple of times. Joker's laughter rang loud, obviously unaffected.

"STOP! buzz STOP YOU IMBECILE! buzz YOU'RE SHOCKING ME!" The Riddler shouted between each terribly painful press of the button.

"This thing's busted Batman. The buttons are all mixed up! It was working before…" Robin said looking closely at the labels.

Crane was casting a worried look at the control, anticipating the next shock to be his.

"Find out which buttons match with who." Batman said with a smirk.

"NO!" all the inmates protested except Joker, who was now in stitches.

"buzz OW! buzz STOP! buzz QUIT IT ALREADY!" The Riddler screamed, looking very indignant.

"They all seem to match with the Riddler…" Robin said thinking out loud.

Another buzz was heard and the Scarecrow let out a yelp of pain.

"Oh wait, this button randomly changes ownership if you press it."

"Then keep pressing it until you get to Joker." Batman said trying not to enjoy the incident too much.

Harvey's two faces were both noticeably sweating bullets as shocks passed from the Riddler to the Scarecrow. Finally the Jokers maniacal laughter was cut off by a shock.

"There. Crazy thing." Robin said putting the control down.

Harvey relaxed and wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Oops." Robin said as he accidentally pressed a button, causing a shock to go through Harvey's body. "Sorry." Robin said smiling at Two-Face's murderous glare.

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Authors Note: Okay. I liked that chapter. This is kind of a happy, silly chapter, but of course there's going to be a lot more blood spilling in the next because our bad guys aren't always happy, silly people. So review, because reviews amuse me, and I love the homage. ...I am Maxie Zeus, worship me!

The next chapter is going to be about our favorite villains activities in the aquarium. And I'm quite sure they'll all be planning on killing Batman.


	2. Interesting Title

I know what you're thinking, "Why is taking so long to update?" It's because I've been oil painting. It's a painting of the Joker heckling Batman. Joker is holding up his two index figures in Batman's face to show a tiny set of handcuffs between his fingers. The panel I want to put with it is, "Ah ah ah Batsy, you can't hit a guy in handcuffs!" Batman doesn't get the joke, as usual.

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"Parking $10, hope we didn't break Arkham's investment funds!" The Joker said giggling in his seat.

"If I was doing this for money, you would have." Batman mumbled.

Somehow the Joker was finding ways to slip out of the hand restraints so Batman had to tie him up with the seatbelt. The result was a tangled mess that even the Riddler would have trouble sorting through.

"I say the longer we stay out of Arkham, the better. So let's take our time seeing the stupid fish." Harvey rasped.

" I agree. The last fish I saw in Arkham were those disgusting fish sticks. I'd do anything to take those images out of my mind." Scarecrow replied.

Batman drove the van up to the man collecting money to park, ignoring the ungrateful comments of the inmates inside.

"Ten dollars plea-"

"-We've all been kidnapped!" Screamed the seatbelt bound Joker.

The parking attendants eyes went wide as Batman effortlessly gripped the Jokers throat.

"S-sir I'm g-going to call security…" The attendant stuttered farther intimidated by a man in a bat suit.

"That won't be necessary. Here's your ten dollars." Batman said handing the attendant the money with his free hand.

The Joker was always smiling, but Batman could tell the clown was fighting for air. The Riddler ignored all around him; he was desperate to solve the rest of a crossword puzzle before it was time to get out of the van. Crane was staring off in space, no doubt piecing together a lecture about fear in his head to an imaginary, impressed audience. Finally, Batman let go of the Jokers throat as he parked the car. A few sputtering coughs and deep breaths later, the Joker was completely normal as he could be again.

"You know Bats, you've been flying off the handle lately. I believe you have an _anger management _problem." The Joker said as Batman opened his car door.

"_You_'re giving _me_ a psychiatric analysis?" Batman scoffed slamming his door.

"Hey bird-boy, how about getting me out of this seatbelt labyrinth?" Joker asked Robin with a massive grin.

"I'll pass." Robin said avoiding the Jokers eyesore of a smile.

The side door of the van slid open with a bang, causing the Riddler to drop his pen once more.

"I have three more words, just three." The Riddler complained. "Just let me finish three-"

"The puzzle will be here when we come back, Riddler!" Harvey scowled. He was very unhappy that he had to sit next to Nygma, and made a mental note to request sitting next to Scarecrow on the way back. Crane was much quieter in Harvey's opinion and didn't chuckle or mumble answers to stupid questions for hours on end.

"My advice to you all is not to make any sudden movements once we've unbound you." Batman grumbled. "You're all to line up to the next parking space line."

"A boy scout like you would force us to line up on our day off." The Joker said.

"Shut up Joker." Batman scowled. He was tired already of Joker's side comments and his constant need to annoy.

"What's a matter Batboob? Didn't get the 'hero of the year' merit badge?" Joker said trying to press Batman's buttons.

Batman was put in a highly difficult circumstance. Under normal conditions, Batman would have just beat Joker senseless, but he didn't think Arkham would appreciate that. (Or the state for that matter.) Batman and Robin exchanged a look of thinning patience, but understanding that they must endure.

"Please don't push that stupid button and punish us all for his loud mouth!" Crane said interpreting Robin and Batman's glance as a signal to electrify Joker.

"No kidding, I've done nothing wrong on this trip and I still got shocked." Harvey replied giving Robin a look of loathing. "The injustice of it all is staggering."

"Oh like you've never deserved it." Robin mumbled while he loosened the Scarecrows restraints.

Crane's long, skinny frame climbed out of the van first under Batman's watchful eye.

"I've solved the puzzle!" The Riddler said staring at his book. He then cried out in anguish, "But it's just not as satisfying seeing the blanks in the book. I can't reach my pen. Harvey, it's under your seat, kick it towards me."

"Sorry, can't make any sudden moves Nygma." Harvey said smirking as Robin unbuckled his feet. "Who knows, I might even get shocked- you know, for not doing anything wrong."

"Don't be ridiculous." The Riddler groaned, knowing that he was never going to finish the puzzle in writing.

"Out of the van Nygma." Batman said as Riddler had finally been unbuckled. "Forget about the puzzle and pen."

The Riddler sulked but eventually got out to join the others in line. Crane was twiddling his thumbs, looking lost in thought again. Harvey kept looking at his right hand, probably where he used to typically carry a watch.

"MOMMY AHHHHHH!" A tiny voice shouted in a screech. Batman turned his head to see a five-year-old three yards away pointing to the passenger's seat of the van where the Joker was tangled up. His mother grabbed his hand tightly and fast walked past the crowd of freaks.

Batman realized why the kid screamed. Pressed dramatically against the glass of the windshield of the van was Jokers sadistic smile, his laughing fogged the glass slightly giving off a crazed look. Perhaps what was most alarming was he happened to be following the child with his eyes. Batman had had enough, with untamed anger, he wrenched open the van door.

"Can't you act remotely subhuman for just two minutes!?" Batman barked, his teeth clenched.

"Tsk, tsk, not in front of the boy, darling." Joker chuckled nudging his head towards Robin.

Batman tried to calm down, realizing the Joker was getting a kick out of his upset. Still angry, but considerably calmer, Batman grabbed the Joker by his straightjacket.

"You seem to be slipping out of your jacket, _darling_." Batman growled in a dangerous whisper.

"Slipping?" Joker questioned trying to depict the nature of the sentence.

With one swift yank, Batman grabbed the strap between the Jokers thighs and tightened it to the tightest setting. The Joker sucked in a mouthful of air in surprise and pain. His eyes widened and any thought of a quick comeback were dashed.

"It must have been all your unnecessary _moving_ that loosened it." Batman said taking advantage of the Jokers shocked state as he sorted out the tangled seatbelt effortlessly. "Now stand over on the line." He said pushing the Joker towards the others, not bothering to question the Jokers mobility.

In bitter defeat, the Joker dragged his feet comically, hunching over, his smile gone from his face.

"_I'll kill you Batface._" The Joker thought grimly.

"Now that you're all lined up, I'm going to tell you the rules. Pay attention." Batman said to the four inmates. He walked across their path, much like military style. " Robin and I are going to split you up in two's."

Robin's eyes went wide; he didn't know Bruce was actually going to hold him responsible for any of the inmates. In a way, it sort of excited but terrified him at the same time.

"Joker and Nygma, you're with me." Said Batman pointing to them.

"Ohthankgod." Harvey mumbled, happy to get away from the Riddler.

"What's that supposed to mean?" The Riddler scowled at Harvey.

"Quiet, both of you. Dent and Crane, don't think I won't be able to come after you if there's a problem. Because I will." Batman said, using his height and voice as an intimidation factor.

"He would make an excellent specimen for a lecture. Too bad he's a bully." Crane whispered.

"Who are you talking to?" Harvey asked Crane annoyed.

Robin rubbed his temples and vaguely wondered if Two-Face got along with anyone.

"The exhibit is in a circle, and the eating area is in the center." Batman explained to Robin while he showed him a map. "We'll run into each other half-way through the exhibit and meet up at the end. We'll stop for a meal when we meet the first time. Got it?"

"No problem Batman." Robin said his confidence now overthrowing his nervousness.

"Ha, ha, ha! You get to be babysat by the kid!" The Joker heckled laughing at Two-Face and the Scarecrow. It seemed his good humor had returned.

"Ha, ha, ha, you get to have Batman breathing down your neck." Two-Face retorted, but with much less childish tone of voice.

"Shut up, both you." Batman ordered. "We're moving out single file, right now, towards the tickets office. Come on, move."

Batman ignored all the stares and pointing. He knew they must have looked ridiculous and completely out of place. It didn't help that the Joker was in a straightjacket, and Harvey with is normal two-faced appearance. Still, they managed to get inside the aquarium undisturbed and unquestioned.

"You go left Robin, I'll go right." Batman said.

"We get to see the man eating sharks before you!" The Joker shouted at Robin as they walked away.

"They're not man eating, and I thought I told you to be quiet." Batman said emotionlessly.

"Cheer up Bat-brain, what good is it being on the outside if you can't have any fun?"

"Can't you come up with any new names to call me?" Batman asked, pushing Riddler and Joker to the first tank.

"We have many names for you Batty, but we just whisper them."

"Just look at the fish." Batman said hating himself for walking into that one.

"Touché."

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"Silver Arowanas are known to be quite skittish as far as fish go. They get scared-"

"My boy, I'm a professor. You _don't_ have to read out loud for me." Crane grumbled crossing his arms.

"Me neither." Harvey said flipping his coin. "I'm fully aware of how the English language works written down."

"Sheesh. You know, you can be a little more grateful. If it wasn't for that stupid state worker you'd be in Arkham Asylum doing whatever you do about now." Robin snapped.

"You mean sleeping? I could use a little shut-eye after that horrendous car ride." Harvey scowled.

"Just look at the fish." Robin grumbled.

Crane nudged Harvey in the arm, trying to get his attention.

"Let's kill the boy and then we'll kill Batman." Crane suggested in a breathless whisper.

"Don't have to tell me twice." Harvey said, flipping his coin, which landed scratched side up.

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"Boorrring." The Joker said obnoxiously after he had looked at three tanks full of African fish. "Just look at their faces, totally humorless. My fish looked a lot better."

"Let's go see the sharks." The Riddler said sharing the same opinion as Joker.

"We're looking at the whole exhibit, show a little self-control for once." Batman said slowly moving on to the next tank.

"They all look alike. Just some are smaller and have stripish, color things." Joker said sneering at a little stripe colored fish. "This is worse than Arkham, at least you could flip through the inkblots as fast as you wanted."

Batman clenched his jaw, fighting back the wave of intolerance that threatened to break free.

"You're not in control here, I call the shots." Batman said forcing both the inmates to look at one tank extra long out of spite.

"Bossy, isn't he?" Joker said elbowing Riddler in the ribs. Joker dropped his voice to a whisper, "Let's kill him, and his little bird too."

"What was that Joker?" Batman asked, being not four inches away in back of the clown.

"I said 'this fish is especially dull', just like this whole trip." Joker said. "Jeez, you'd think you'd learned what personal space was. Give a brotha' some space."

"If you say one more word about how dull this trip is I'll start making this trip more interesting using my fist in your face. Understand?"

"I've just thought of an impossible riddle! Even you, Batman, won't be able to solve it!" The Riddler crackled.

"Is the answer fish?" Batman asked half-heartedly.

"Damn it!" Riddler cursed pounding his fists on the glass.

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"And over here you can see that the shark is not in fact the monster it is depicted as, but a powerful fish." A tour guide lady smiled as she pointed to the big tank.

"Easy for you to say, look what one did to my face!" Harvey shouted above the crowd.

"…Umm…." The lady gulped nervously as she stared in horror at Harvey's gruesome half. The crowd was murmuring in a frightened frenzy. "T-the shark is generally peaceful until provoked, but otherwise very p-peaceful."

Robin frowned, and apologized to the crowd for Harvey's disturbance. As he was trying to calm the crowd, Scarecrow and Two-Face found their chance.

" Don't worry folks, he didn't get that in a shark attack." Robin explained. "You know, you guys are getting me in a lot of…crap."

Scarecrow and Two-Face had ran into the seahorse exhibit which had very dark, dim lights.

"Did you steal the panel Crane?" Harvey asked.

"Er- no, I couldn't. Didn't have the chance." Scarecrow replied.

"Ugh, I told you to snatch it so we don't get electrocuted." Harvey growled.

"It's not like it matters. Most of the shocks go to the Riddler anyway. Besides, we can remove the shockers now that Batman's partner isn't around to bully us." Crane said.

"No, we can't, because they automatically shock us when we try to remove them, remember? There's a certain way to remove them, and I'm positive you don't know how." Harvey said.

"Well we're not getting shocked now, so let's get on with the plan before they find us." Scarecrow said.

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"Batman! I turned my head for one second and they're now loose somewhere!" Robin's voice boomed on Batman's communicator. (Sounds like a Star Trek thing, right?)

"Good help is sooo hard to find these days, eh Bats?" The Joker said; he then burst out in laughter, causing a lot of people to quickly avoid their general area.

"Quiet Jo- WHERE'S NYGMA!?" Batman shouted. He only half believed how terrible this whole trip was. Arkham owed him and the society of earth a big favor.

"Can you believe he actually wanted to see more of those dumb fish?" The Joker said with a big, insane grin.

"No." Batman said grabbing the Joker by the front of his straightjacket. "I can't."

"Well, learning is the language of the educated!" Joker chuckled.

"Where is he?" Batman growled, his nose almost touching the Jokers. People around were starting to panic. Rumors were spreading that fugitives were loose in the building.

"Heavens to Batsy, how should I know? But cheer up darling; you can bet ol' nerdy gurdy will send you a trail of riddles, wherever he is." Joker added thoughtfully.

"You better hope he comes quietly, for your sake." Batman said dragging the Joker behind him as security guards ushered the citizens out of the building.

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"Watch out Batman, you're on candid camera! Ha ha hee hoo hoo!" Crane giggled madly as Harvey and him made their way to the control room. "Say Dent, how did you know where this place was anyway?"

Harvey rolled his eyes at his partner's unprofessional approach.

"I told you, I didn't. I flipped the coin." Two-Face growled.

"Mmm." Scarecrow muttered, it seemed like an impossible stroke of luck, and he refused to think that a wishy-washy coin could logically reveal their planned destination.

The door was labeled 'control room', much to their amusement.

"Security, open up!" Crane shouted, knocking on the door.

"Hold up man, there's freaks on the loose." Came a young voice inside. The sound of him unlocking the door was heard, "Thank goodness you're here, and there's one on the west en-"

"And two right here!" Harvey shouted as he punched the kid in the face. The young kid cried out in surprise before hitting the floor, knocking himself unconscious.

"What a punch over." Crane couldn't help joke. "You should have seen his face. Looked like my fear gas hit him."

"Sure." Harvey snapped. "Lets get focused. First thing- what are you doing!?"

Scarecrow was dragging the teenager out of the room and had stopped at Two-Face's protest.

"Uh, getting the kid out of here?"

"We need a hostage. Don't you remember the plan at all!" Two-Face scowled.

"You said we were taking Robin hostage, not this dumb kid."

"Do you see the Bat-Brat here?"

"No but-"

"Well then drag him in here quickly and close the door!" Harvey demanded.

"You know," Scarecrow growled, "You wouldn't be half so bossy if you had a taste of my fear gas."

"Listen _Professor_, we can fight later, let's just focus on killing Batman." Harvey said flipping his coin. It had landed scarred side down, which meant Crane wasn't going to get kicked out of the room.

"Whatever." Scarecrow moodily responded. After dragging the teenager back into the room and locking the door, he turned his attention towards the cameras.

"Is that Nygma?" Crane wondered out loud.

"What the devil is he doing?" Two-Face asked.

"Looks like he's having an epileptic fit." Crane said rubbing his chin. "Bird-brat must be pressing those buttons pretty hard."

"Poor loser." Harvey said with a smirk. "Oh look, he seems to have stopped convulsing."

"Batman's over here on the East end, looks like Joker is the only one of us who hasn't escaped. Humph, imagine that."

"That must drive him crazy. Excuse the pun."

"Hey look, a microphone." Crane said smiling. "Things are going our way!"

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Authors Note: I know I promised violence, gore, death, sneakiness, wealth, raining men, and the pursuit of happiness, but I just couldn't fit it in this chapter. It's getting so long, I decided if I wrote any more, no one would read it. I'm not even sure I would read it.

In the next chapter, plans will form. Skills be tested. People will die, and Joker of course, will escape the tight grip of Batman!


	3. Two Down, Two to Go

Authors Note: Woah- you Batman fans sure are pushy! Seriously, I've been so busy. My sister and I are the only one's who actually celebrate Christmas, so we have to clean the house/decorate/buy junk and all that jazz. I did mean to update, and would never leave you hangin'!

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"Good evening bat-bully!" Crane's voice echoed the aquarium speakers. "Guess what we have for you? A nice, tasty DEATH. Yours or the child's in here. Either one would invoke an unbelievable amount of bliss!"

Batman had been roughly shoving Joker in front of him, and only now had stopped pushing the gaunt clown.

"That's right. We're in control. More literally, the control room- if you bust in and ruin everything, consider the kid dead! Well, maybe he's dead right now, but you don't know that, do you?" Crane's voice mocked. "Either way, you're trapped in your biggest fear, right Batman? Death. Bitter, reckless, avoidable DEATH! Tune in for another broadcast by yours truly— we'll be announcing our demands! HA HA HA!"

Joker had started giggling madly as Batman's grip unconsciously got tighter around the back of the straightjacket.

"This is a nightmare." Batman growled. He needed to pull himself together, and fast. He grabbed his communicator off of his belt trying to get in touch with Tim.

"Where are you Robin?" Batman spoke as he maintained a tight grip on Jokers straightjacket, which he was wriggling in.

"Sorry Batman, I was ushering people out- there was almost a riot! Serial killers lose in the aquarium is no small deal and-"

"Get back in here. Everyone except Joker is loose." Batman said, feeling quite ashamed at how sloppy he was being.

"I'm not that modest! You're making me blush!" Joker shouted, erupting in a new fit of laughter.

"Shut up you filthy minded-." Batman growled.

"You know I love it when your eyes go all white and flashy like that."

Batman shook the jacket in a rough quick jerk.

"Say Bats, don't let this situation get you down. In fact, let me be the Riddle dork for you. I can see you're not enjoying our time together." The Joker said as Batman destroyed a security camera in the corner.

"What are you talking about?" Batman asked half heartedly, searching for more cameras.

" I mean, it's mostly my fault he's gone. I told him I dismantled the electrocution panel- HEE HEE- He bought it! I mean, of course I scrambled the wires, but dismantle it? What a dope! Actually it's sort of ironic that most of the shocks go to him, but that's what makes it FUNNY! -But I can see you miss the little brain-iac, so I'll pretend to be him, okie-dokie?"

"I don't have time for your sick games Joker." Said Batman without looking at the clown, his fist still clutching the straightjacket tightly.

"Well that's not very sporting of you." Joker said in a sophisticated 'Riddler' voice. He made a grotesque face and pressed it against the glass full of seahorses, scaring the animals away. "Besides, I toiled my brain all morning and came up with an absolute gasser of a riddle."

Batman remained silent and continued to break security cameras much to Jokers annoyance.

"Are you ignoring me?" Joker accused. "Because if you are, you'll never be able to solve the riddle. Not with a little help. Anyway, I assume those spiky extensions between your head are ears, so listen up! Ahem. Riddle me this Batman— how did the man lose weight in two seconds?"

"He jumped."

"Ooo, good answer- but not what I had in mind!" Joker shouted. In an instant he dropped to the floor, slipping off his straightjacket. "The answer was," Joker said punching Batman in the jaw, "He took off his jacket!"

Physically, Batman easily outmatched Joker. He kicked Joker in the stomach and landed a hard punch in the eye. There was a loud crack and Batman fell to the floor.

"That's a good riddle, but I think Batman's answer was more clever." The Riddler said with a smirk. He tossed aside a baton that he was holding that he had smashed against Batman's scull.

"You know Bats, for someone who had jumping on the brain, you had fall on every other part of your body!" Joker said kicking Batman's limp form. His maniac laughter echoed in the dimly lit aquatic hallway. He then turned to Riddler with a frown. "What took you so long?"

"'Riddle dork'?" Riddler questioned crossing his arms. "You're lucky I found this baton in the security locker room, or I'd of said no way to our deal. And other thing, you know that Two-Face and Scarecrow are trying to make a deal with a _conscious_ Batman, right? We might have just foiled whatever plans they had."

"What do I care about Double-Ugly and the Scare-Freak? If they have beef with me, that's tough cookies!"

" By the way, did you really cross the wires on the electrocution panel?" Riddler asked raising an eyebrow.

"Come _on_ Riddle chum, you're smarter than that. How could I possibly twist wires with a straightjacket on?"

"You didn't have your straightjacket on all the time." Riddler said with kicking the jacket on the floor.

"Technicalities, technicalities, you think too much." Joker said slumping an arm around Riddler's shoulder. " Now be a doll and tie Bat-bore up while I concoct my famous Joker Toxin, mmk'?" Joker pinched the Riddler's cheek painfully.

"You never said anything about Joker Toxin. Only _you_ are immune to Joker Toxin, and there's no way I'm going to get caught in a room with that stuff. I thought you said we'd feed Batman to the man eating shark!" Riddler said shrugging off Joker's arm.

" Weren't you listening? They're not man-eating. Besides, I already tried that gig. Didn't work out too well. Sharkey died and Batman got away." The Joker said brushing his fingers to his lips.

"So basically," Riddler said extremely annoyed "We're scrapping the old plan and making up a new one along the way?"

" Geez, did you call yourself the Riddler because you ask too many stupid questions or because you can't figure out that I'm totally sporadic when it comes to plans?"

"A mixture of both, because I was stupid enough to think a chaotic clown could stick with a well thought-out plan." Riddler growled.

"Woah, woah, woah, hold the pickles." The Joker said in mock hurt as he held his hands up meekly. " We never had a well thought-out plan. Just a sketchy boring one."

" That's it! I'm working alone!" The Riddler shouted while grabbing Batman's left arm.

" Peachy keen with moi- But I get Batman. He's mine!" Joker shouted back with a dangerous glint in his eye while snatching Batman's limp foot.

" I'm the one who knocked him out!" Riddler growled yanking Batman's arm. "You did nothing but play stupid!"

"Well yeah- of course- I was pretending to be _you_." Joker replied in a tone that showed he thought it was obvious.

Nygma's face went red and he was about to say something when the Scarecrow's loud voice through the speakers cut him off.

" Very clever Batman, knocking out all of the cameras. But that doesn't change our position! Here are our demands-"

" Great, with Two-Face and Scarecrow in the control room they can make things difficult for us. And their plan is likely to fail, the Batman is unconscious!" The Riddler scowled. "Don't you get it? Our plans are conflicting! We're at square one until Batman or the S.W.A.T team takes us out!"

The Jokers face fell and he sighed. "You know what? You are sooo right." He dropped Batman's foot with a thud and snaked his way next to the Riddler. " Why, I don't know what I was thinking. We obviously need to regroup, and work together and all that peanut butter."

"R-right." Nygma responded giving the Joker a suspicious look. Scarecrow's voice was echoing around the building, unaware of his lack of audience.

"Come on, we'll start by-" Joker said slamming the baton over the Riddler's skull. Nygma slumped down on the ground like the life had been instantaneously ripped out of him. " Well how rude! There's no 'sleep' in 'team'!" The Joker scolded dragging Batman's body. " But there is an 'eat' and 'tea' and 'meat', and I'm quite hungry. Aren't you Bats? Sure you are. You didn't have brains for breakfast like me. Nighty-night Riddle dork- hope things work out for you in Dreamland! Ohhh weee'll meet again- don't know where…don't know WHHEEEENNNN!!!"

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"Ugh…" Batman groaned as his head felt like it had split in two.

"Good day monsieur."

Batman's eyes opened in surprise, as he recognized the Joker's voice at once. He found his hands and torso duct-taped tightly to a chair located in the abandoned food court. In front of him was a bunch of bottles of common cleaners that could be found in any janitor's closet. Silverware had also been set before him.

"Welcome to C'est Joker, the finest restaurant ever to be found in an aquarium run by inmates of an insane asylum." The clown had drawn a curly mustache under his nose that Batman suspected was made of smeared chocolate syrup. He was dressed in what looked like a chiefs coat, and was wearing a hat to match.

"Allow me to recommend the soup de jour!" he said grinning wildly as he slammed a bowl of striped tropical fish in front of Batman. They all had their colorful fins removed except one, which was still alive.

"Oopsie!" The Joker shouted stabbing the fish clean through with a thick, bloody kitchen knife. "Sorry about that- our cook is still new."

Batman turned his head towards the counter see a dead man laying on it, obviously stabbed, in uniform wearing a chief's hat.

"Found him in the kitchen. He's so talented- brought his nametag and everything! 'S.W.A.T', it must be foreign." The Joker broke out with his hideous laughter.

"You're insane." Batman growled.

"Tisk, tisk. You didn't even touch your soup. How will the cook react to that I wonder?" The Joker said brushing his fingers against his lips.

"You're sick."

"I guess we'll need to move on to our main course!" The Joker said dumping the 'soup' on the floor behind him. "It's a shame too. That soup was expensive. I found the main ingredience in a tank titled 'rare'. But I thought that meant that was the way you cook them!"

"What do you want?" Batman asked.

"We'll be moving on to our main course." the Joker explained dumping chemicals into a pot in front of Batman.

"Joker Toxin."

"It's the only thing really I really know how to make. It's pretty darn embarrassing, but I'm not much of a cook ya' see." The Joker explained.

"So, you're going to poison me?" Batman asked.

The Joker laughed and swiveled Batman's chair around towards himself. He laid his hands on the arms of the chair and leaned in front of Batman's face.

"Very tempting Bat-face, but no. I have other plans for you, more fun plans. I'm hopelessly insane, not stupid. I know that there's going to be more chiefs like Swat over there bursting through this miserable little fish tank. It's only a matter of time. And I just love dead crowds, but your death will be _special_." The Joker's nose was touching Batman's.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Batman said with a smirk.

"What? Is my mustache coming off?" The Joker asked self-consciously touching one side of his mouth with his tongue.

A loud thud caused the Joker to turn, but he only had enough time to see a white stick slap him across the face. He covered his face with his hands and Robin shoved the stick into his stomach, causing the Joker to hunch over. Robin then swung the staff to connect with the Joker's back, however, the clown easily caught it with one hand.

"So predictable- just like the last boy blunder!" Joker said laughing.

Batman, perfectly seated in back of his enemy, kicked the inside of the Joker's knees hard. Immediately, electrical pulses flowed from the damaged shockers. Joker dropped the staff and started screaming.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" He screamed grabbing the underside of his knees in agony. "You did this on purpose Batman and it's NOT FUNNY!"

"Then why am I laughing?" Robin said chuckling at the Jokers antagonized face. With one, hard swing Robin managed to knock him unconscious. "I saved your life."

"No you didn't." Batman said finally freeing himself with the kitchen knife the Joker had used. He walked over to the dead body and found that his utility belt had been used as a headband.

"Good job with Nygma back there by the way." Robin said. "But why did you just leave him there? I had to lock him in an office."

"Nygma? I haven't seen him since this morning." Batman replied.

"Oh. Well, he was unconscious."

"The Joker doesn't always work well with partners." Batman concluded. He bent over the Jokers limp form and sighed. " Did anyone explain how to take these shockers off?"

"No, why?" Robin asked.

"They're malfunctioning, and I don't want them to set fire to the Jokers pants." Batman replied.

"You think that can happen?" Robin asked. Milliseconds later, to his surprise, the Jokers pants started smoke and small flames erupted.

"Worst day ever." Batman grunted moodily as he ripped the Jokers flaming pants off.

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"P-please man, I got nothin'." The teenage boy said crying in the corner of the control room.

"Nothin'? Well then I guess we should kill you Timmy." Scarecrow replied with a grin.

"Stop scaring the boy and get over here Crane." Two-Face ordered.

"Why? I thought you said you could handle our little camera black-out." Crane sneered. "What have you been doing?"

" I've been trying to figure out what these other controls do. Look at what this button does. If Batman goes into the east hallway, which isn't too far from this room, I can open this tank and he'll be hit with tons of water." Two-Face chuckled. "So where is the Bat now?"

"I thought you were watching the cameras." Scarecrow said crossing his arms.

"I thought you were." Two-Face growled.

" You mean no one was watching?"

"Well if you weren't so darn fascinated with terrorizing the kid-"

"You were the one sitting at the controls!" Crane accused.

"I was busy doing something constructive."

Crane scoffed and walked over to the monitors. A quarter of them weren't working, but that hardly caught his eye when he saw the escapade before him.

"Oh my." Scarecrow said.

"What?" Two-Face inquired.

"I don't think you want to miss this."

"Miss w-…oh my." Harvey said, at a loss for words.

Batman was stomping out the Jokers pants while Robin was trying to tear off the shockers in back of the unconscious Jokers legs. The small devices were sparking terribly, and Robin looked a tad nervous, worried that he would become electrocuted. Or worse, caught on fire. Both Harvey and Crane looked at each other nervously.

"Do you think they'll do that to us?" Crane asked.

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Authors Note: I just spent the past four hours wrapping gifts. Ugggghhh, I'll be so glad when December 25th rolls around. I'm _so_ disgustingly busy, you guys should be ecstatic that I updated. The next chapter is going to be centered around Crane and Dent by far.


	4. Chapter 4

Authors Note: The reason I didn't update sooner is because…I wrote this chapter, and after reading it, it just wasn't very funny. So I had to go back and change some things.

* * *

"Alright, play time is over. Down to business. It's obvious that Batman isn't going to meet our demands, we need to kill the kid as a distraction and rush out of here." Two-Face said looking at the monitors with anger.

"K-kill me? No way, I'm not gonna lay down and let you freaks murder me!" The teenager said standing up.

"Shut up Timmy and die like you were created to." Scarecrow hissed looking for something blunt and heavy.

"My name ain't Timmy, it's Joey."

"Timmy, Joey, you both die the same way." Scarecrow carelessly remarked finding a box of tools. "You think a hammer will do it; or a screwdriver?

"I say use both, but let me flip on it." Two-Face replied.

"You're not going to kill me without a fight, you half-crap-faced, gutless, idiot!" Joey screamed balling both his fists. "And I can take you any time you anorexic, four-eyed freak!"

Crane and Dent looked at each other as Joey put up his dukes and got into a fighting position. Dent scowled and moodily put his coin away.

"Just kill him with both." Dent said swiveling his chair towards the monitors, leaving his back exposed to the teen. "And make it slow."

"Fascinating, he has turned his fear into motivation." Crane said playing with the hammer and screwdriver thoughtfully.

"Get away from me man. This hands are like jack-hammers." Joey whimpered shaking his fists.

"Subject shows extreme reliance on intimidation." Crane said with a ghastly smirk.

"I'm warning you, not a step closer." Joey wailed backing into the corner.

"Lets see…I'd say three stabs and four swings would do nicely…"Scarecrow mused.

Before Joey could even have a chance to defend himself, the whole room went pitch black and the humming of the computers silenced.

"What the happened?" Scarecrow growled.

"They turned off the power." Two-Face shouted.

"What? How? What does that mean?"

"It means _every man for himself_ Crane. Now get out of my way." Dent shouted.

"OW!" Joey screamed as Two-Face trodded on his leg and out the door.

"Looks like it's just you and me Timmy." Scarecrow scowled. "No concept of loyalty…"

* * *

"Double-cross me, will he? Lock me up in an office, will he?" The Riddler seethed, ribbing the back of his head. There was a large bump that stung as he put his hand over it. "I'll return this lump several times over to that stupid, psychotic clown!"

The lights flickered in the crammed, wooden office and soon the Riddler was swinging his arms around like a blind man trying to find the door.

"You'd think they'd have enough glass in the _aquarium_ to put _windows_ in their _office_!"

The Riddler grabbed around trying to find a handle in front of the wall he was hitting. He knocked his hand against something, heard a click and crackle, and he felt a sharp pain.

"Bullets-ahhhh- fireing at me- bullets-" Nygma freaked, covering his hand in the momentary madness. He felt a smooth metal on his hand and laughed.

"No. Not bullets. A stapler." Nygma said embarrassed as he picked out the staple and grabbed the instrument. He tried again with his other hand and found the doorknob. "A-ha! Eureka!"

Of course it was locked. Biting his tongue, he kicked the door hard, praising Arkham that he used his hour of recess jogging.

"Try- nggg- and keep- urghh- me in here- rrrrg- will you?" Nygma growled between kicks. It took two more macho-powered kicks to break the lock, but the door swung open, finally.

"Riddle me this…" Riddler puffed catching his breath and grimacing at the broken door, "how does the Batman make it look so easy?"

* * *

"Woah, everything's dark." Robin exclaimed at the sudden loss of light.

"I had Oracle shut off the control room power and the lights. Knowing Crane and Dent, they're probably at each others throats." Batman said putting on his night-vision.

"Why would you think that?" Robin said following the same suit.

"We're talking about criminal geniuses here. They're picky planners. None of them except Joker can come up with anything that they would credit to their criminal genius within a day's time. Their sudden outing was an opportunity; they probably came up with sketchy plans at best. The loss of light is to our advantage." Batman mused.

" Yeah, well, these shockers are to our advantage too. Check this out. 'Lexcorp' is on the bottom of these things." Robin said handing a shocker to Batman.

" Something tells me Arkham can't afford this type of machinery on their budget." Batman said putting it into his belt. "Is the Joker secure?"

"Mentally? No. Physically?" Tim replied smiling, " It'll take him a while to Houdini himself out of seven rolls of duct-tape."

"Alright then, leave him here in the dining area. And keep a look out for Two-Face and Scarecrow." Batman said.

"Roger!" Tim smirked clicking his boots and saluting the Dark Knight as they parted ways.

* * *

Despite the darkness, the eerie glowing of the tanks lit the way for Two-Face. Dent could only find batons in the security lockers, but it wasn't enough to fend off Batman or his little crow, and he knew that. He needed to find a gun. Fast.

The lit hallways never seemed to end, until he came across a clearing that was considerably brighter then the rest of the building, the lunch area.

"Hey there, ho there!"

Two-Face turned all his attention to the voice that called him. He relaxed as he came upon a ridiculously duct-taped Joker who was wiping his bloody nose on his bound shoulder.

"Something you want?" Dent asked raising his eyebrows a bit.

" Spare a clown some pants? Batman took mine." The Joker explained. "He must have a really odd collection in that hideout of his."

"I don't care about your pants. I'm busy." Two-Face snapped. He turned and walked towards the dead S.W.A.T body bleeding all over the counter.

"Looking for something useful?" The Joker piped up.

Two-Face held up two knives and nodded.

"Good for you, now I'd really appreciate it if you snipped me out of this plastic sleeping bag." Joker said.

"How could I refuse the help of a half-naked, beat-up, bloody-nosed, insane clown?" Dent sarcastically commented.

"Oh, go on." The Joker replied coyly, batting his eyelashes.

"You're crazy if you think I'm going to risk my neck for you." Dent scowled turning his back.

"You know, I never figured you for a _loner_ Two-Face." Joker slyly chided.

"Loner?" Dent spoke slightly drifting into thought.

"All by yourself. One of you. No partner. Ohhhhh onnnneeee, is the loneliest number!" Joker sang with a big, insane grin.

"This is a bad idea." Two-Face said to himself. "I'll have to flip on it."

"Common pal, don't you want to be a _duo_? After all, Batman has his little flying bud. Why not _EVEN_ the score?"

"I said we let the coin decide!" Harvey yelled frustrated. He dug his hand deep into his pockets and closed his fist around a scratched silver dollar. "Heads, I take you with me, tails, I leave you here for the Bat to deal with."

Harvey tossed the coin in the air, and smiled wickedly as it landed in the palm of his hand.

"Tell Bats I said 'bye'."

"But what if it landed on its edge? You would have taken me with you to see Butt-man, wouldn't you? You two are in cahoots! I knew I couldn't trust you! You were trying to manipulate me the whole time! I demand you let me out of this and fight you in a fair fight- half-man-half-troll to clown!" The Joker snarled.

" Sorry Bozo. You lose. And I don't duel with losers. It's been a long day, so I think I'll go home. Maybe I'll give my girlfriend Montoya a call. Taa taa." Harvey smirked with a little wave.

"Doesn't she call you 'Phone Freak' and take away all your phone privileges?" Joker asked.

"Why does everyone keep bringing that up?" Dent scowled.

"Stop right there Two-Face!"

"Hooray! Here comes the canary!" Joker cheered as Robin swooped down from a beam.

"I figured at least one of you would pass by this place." Robin said triumphantly.

" Birds of a feather, stick together, that's what I always say." Joker added.

"Will you shut up you stupid clown, I'm trying to think." Two-Face snapped hiding the knives behind his back.

"Oh, you mean you didn't have to flip your coin to decide that?" The Joker teased maliciously.

"Turn yourself in Two-Face and everything will go a lot better for you." Robin said pulling out his staff cautiously.

"Better for me? You think taking me back to that sad excuse of a mad house is better than what I have in mind?" Two-Face smirked.

The Joker giggled sadistically causing Tim's attention to split as he focused on the clown. This was the distraction that Harvey was looking for as he lunged at Robin.

Quicker than you can say "Thank you Batman for the Akudio lessons", Robin sidestepped Harvey causing him to trip and land on…his knives.

"That's what you get for being a prick!" Joker shouted as Harvey assessed the damage. A knife had only landed on his shoulder and thigh.

"AHHH- I need medical attention!" Harvey shouted.

"What a wuss." Joker said rolling his eyes.

* * *

"Well Joey, it's been fun but I've got fish to fry…" Crane laughed to himself imagining the irony. "Say, that was pretty good. Fish to fry. And we're at an aquarium. Ha ha. Few more like that and I could be the new Joker." Crane kicked Joey's body on the floor carefully. "Why aren't you laughing? Oh yeah. I killed you a half hour ago. My apologies. CURSES! If only I had thought of that joke sooner. Curse the cruel hand of fate!"

"I heard it, and I don't think it was that funny." Batman said stalking in the shadows behind the doorway.

"Batman! Oh and here I was worried you'd never pay attention to little old me- with Two-Face, Riddler, and that god-awful clown running around." Scarecrow said very pleased. "Do come into the light, you don't have to be dramatic, I haven't got my proper attire on yet."

"Your attire is just fine for where you're going, and you'll pay extra for the life you took." Batman growled jumping at Crane.

"Then allow me to put down a _down payment_!" Crane shouted as he threw oil in Batman's face.

Batman staggered, coughing and quickly wiping the oil away as a hammer hit the back of his neck.

"You know Batman, I believe I've done rather well for myself- only having one day to plan your demise."

"Pride goes before the fall." Batman grunted as he swept Crane's feet from under him.

"I surrender…" Crane groaned after a couple of convincing punches.

"Easy." Batman replied putting his handcuffs on him.

"What? Easy? As in, "easier than the Riddler?" Was I really that easy?" Crane said worried.

"Since when did you care?" Batman said hoisting him up.

"Since I had a reputation in Arkham! Come on, on a scale of one to ten, I'm at least an eight, right? Right?"

* * *

"Hold your fire- they're coming out. Looks like Robin has one of them." Gordon said to his team as Harvey was dragged out.

"Hey Montoya, your boyfriend's waving." Bullock said with a smirk.

"What are you- oh god." Montoya moaned.

"Montoya- you changed your phone number without telling me- but don't worry, I have it written down somewhere!" Harvey shouted over the sirens.

"Coffee?" Montoya offered turning her back on the scene. "Anyone want coffee? Commissioner? I'm going out for coffee."

"We already have coffee, remember?" Gordon responded. "Larce got it five minutes ago."

"Montoya, don't worry, they're not serious wounds!" Two-Face screamed as he was wheeled into a swat car.

" Yeah don't worry Montoya." Bullock said nudging her arm.

"I'm not worried Harvey!" Montoya growled. "I need to change my phone number again."

* * *

" All this trouble, and now you'll never get another day out of Arkham. Was it worth it?" Batman said as the Joker grinned at him.

"I had my laughs, but the last laugh is on you Batsy." The Joker said with mocking eyes.

"What do you mean?" Batman scowled.

"Knock knock. Who's there? No one. How's that for a riddle?" Joker giggled. " For all Nigma's boring quirks and geekiness, you sure underestimate him. While you were playing Lord of the Dance in your tights, I had the honor of bidding farewell to our favorite enigma."

"Wheeeeere is he?" Batman said grabbing Joker by the colar and lifting him and the chair off the floor.

"Jeez bats, I said good-bye. I didn't exchange area codes with him. Besides, I think he left you one of his little clues."

Batman dropped the Joker, making the chair fall on it's side. He walked around, leaving the Joker's sadistic laugh echoing around him. Batman stopped, feeling sick at the scene that lay before him.

Fish were stapled in a question mark and a little note was on the floor.

_ Riddle me this Batman,_

_ What is Edward Nigma at an aquarium? _

_ Answer: As slippery as a fish! _

_ Ta ta, and thanks for the taco's!_

_E. Nigma_

* * *

"What does it mean?" Gordon asked looking at the note.

"It means he's gone. We won't find him- at least, not today." Batman said.

"I'm sorry you were dragged into this. Arkham has got a lot to answer for. And that kid dying; the whole thing is rotten."

"Maybe more than we thought." Batman said handing Gordon an electroshock.

"What's this?"

"Flip it over."

"Lexcorp?"

"Somehow I don't think Lex Luther donates expensive equipment to mental institutes for tax deductions."

"What makes you say that?"

"_I would know,_" Bruce thought. "_I'm always donating for a better security system at Arkham._"

"It's just not in his interests." Batman replied. " I would suggest asking Arkham how he got it. Meanwhile, I've got a criminal to catch."

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- dum dum dum daa daa daa - DAAAA Daaa daaa daaa – DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA dum dum dum DAAAAAA DAAA DAAAA dum dum dum- Ha ha, just kidding.

The End.

* * *

Authors Note: Oh man, is there anyone still reading this fiction? I love this story. I love Batman. I love the fact that the Riddler, who everyone underestimated, is the one that gets out fancy-free.

School is out. It must be so frustrating to know that some little peon like me is writing this story you love and I'm wasting my time serving food in some crappy restaurant. I'd rather be writing, trust me.


End file.
